A week before I started college, I had an awakening about casual dating. I was on vacation with my family and met an older man on the beach; he gave me oral sex that night and the next night. When I started college, I was eager to explore this new world of casual dating, and I went on a few fun, casual dates.
Then they started to feel a bit empty. Casual dating was great, but casual dates with love were even better. Someone I can try new moves within the bedroom and discuss philosophy with. Someone I can kiss in a comfy bed or a quaint cafe. Someone I care for in body and mind. Someone who shows me their beauty inside and out someone who shows me everything someone I can show my complete self to.
So, I’m a romantic
but I’m not alone. Many of my friends, including men, seemed to agree that casual dating combined with love was preferable to casual dating without love. Studies have shown that people of all genders hold this view, including the typical non-committed college male. One study found that 67 percent of college women and 71 percent of men wanted more opportunities for long-term relationships.
I represent myself – not my entire gender
But when I told people about my decision to start dating instead of casual dating, they often characterized my motivation in one-dimensional terms. “I hear a lot of girls say they need an emotional connection to enjoy casual dating,” a male friend said. Emotions are released during casual dating that can lead to feelings of bonding, but this exists regardless of gender.
However, you don’t need an emotional connection to enjoy casual dating. I enjoyed it when it was just physical. Women are creatures interested in casual dating, so they can enjoy casual dating regardless of the relationship. They don’t need to be lured with love songs and flowers to feel desire. The nerve endings in the clitoris don’t go away just because you’re not in a relationship. If you needed an emotional connection to experience pleasure during a casual date, you probably wouldn’t be able to masturbate to a vibrator because we don’t usually have an emotional connection to it (though you probably could).
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And just because you dated casually doesn’t mean you’re committed to someone. I committed to my casual dating partners because I was already into them for another reason. I rarely felt an emotional connection when we just met and hadn’t talked much. And when I did that, I was smart enough to distinguish between that feeling of intimacy and actual chemistry.
Man vs. Women
When men decide they don’t want to go on casual dates, we don’t use it as evidence of how emotionally sensitive they are, how easily they get emotional and hurt, or how innocent they are on casual dates. We usually praise them for resisting the temptation to go on casual dates to pursue something deeper (which, by the way, is not the right response either, because casual dating is hard for some people at some stages of their lives. ) People’s reactions to my decision not to go on casual dates are indicative of a larger problem. Very often, when women do something that conforms to a gender stereotype, it is used as evidence of that stereotype. When we like babies, it’s “proof” of the maternal instinct. If we’re bad at math, that’s “evidence” that women are worse at math, and if we don’t go on casual dates, that’s “evidence” that men want casual dates and women want love.
