As an American, I can’t help but wonder if an open sexual relationship is right for me. After all, it’s better than cheating or having unfulfilled desires. But it’s not for everyone, and if it’s right for you, it takes effort. Here are some things to consider before you decide to go for it:
- Are you trying to solve sexual problems?
Just being open about your sexuality won’t solve it. You’ll face the same challenges or even more. Jessica Graham, sexuality expert and author of Sexuality, recommends addressing your issues first, to lay the foundation for dealing with any challenges that come with being open about your sexuality.
“The ability to calm yourself is crucial when being open about your sexuality,” she says. “Are you a well-differentiated couple? Do you both have the tools to process difficult emotions? Another thing to consider is: Are you open about your sexuality in an attempt to salvage it? If so, it may be best to wait until you have sorted out your feelings and involve the other person in this dynamic. It’s a courtesy to your future lovers.”
- How much do you want to know about each other’s sexuality?
Some want their partner to ask before dating other people, while others give their partner the freedom. Violating these basic rules is a form of infidelity, so make sure you’re clear on the rules to avoid hurting each other.
No matter what you choose, “remember that the other people you’re dating are human beings, too,” says Graham.
- What makes you jealous?
There are many opportunities for this, and many for overcoming it. “Sure, some people never deal with the monster that is jealousy, but most of us do,” says Graham.
The trick is to explore the roots of jealousy. Does it come from insecurity? That way, your partner will make an effort to compliment you. So, you need reassurance that other sexual relationships won’t replace your primary one. Jealousy is almost inevitable, but it doesn’t have to rule you and can be cured by identifying the root cause.
- What can and can’t you do?
Definitions of vary. Some people think it’s okay for their partner to have casual sex with other people, but can’t stand it if they date other people. For some, it’s the opposite. You need to know where you stand with each other in any kind of sexual and romantic interaction. The same goes for communication.
Open sexual relationships sound great on the surface, but they have one drawback: they tend to be more work-intensive than monogamous relationships. You have to juggle multiple sexual relationships instead of just one, and you have to be clear about who and what you’re doing in every area. For some, this is too much work, despite the benefits. “To succeed in non-monogamy, you need a black belt in communication,” Graham says. “If you don’t like talking about ‘sexual intimacy’, this lifestyle may not be for you. But if you want to reach a whole new level of honesty and intimate communication, open yourself up to this sexual relationship!”
