There’s a well-known, subversive joke that has appeared time and time again in popular culture: a disgruntled wife or girlfriend discovers her partner male masturbating, maybe even gasping while watching porn of real people. The woman is shocked, while the man is confused and speechless. It all boils down to a lame joke that men love porn and women are disgusted. Boys will be boys, right? This is problematic on so many levels. First, it’s incredibly sexist, suggesting that all men are sex toy machines and that women not only don’t masturbate but are disgusted by it. But there’s another big problem with this lazy joke that keeps rearing its ugly head: it suggests that sex toys are taboo in relationships and shouldn’t be around at all, or that if they are used, they should be kept secret. If you’re someone who enjoys masturbating (not everyone is that sexual, and that’s okay), sex toys are super important, whether you’re dating or not. It’s time to embrace masturbation. It’s not filthy, it’s not cheating, and it’s not about being disappointed in your sex life. Because of this, you (and your partner) should both have permission to continue this way and accept it.
Sex toys should never be a source of shame
Fundamentally, sex toys should never be a source of shame. Your sexual arousal, desires, and needs are nothing to be ashamed of, wrong, or embarrassed about. Many of us grow up with internalized awkwardness and guilt regarding our sexuality. Maybe we are influenced by religion, parents, or simply society, but it can be incredibly destructive.
As adults, we learn that we can embrace our sexuality. And it’s a journey that your partner should support you on. If your partner makes you feel like your desires, and the fact that you’re paying attention to them, are inappropriate or that you should be blamed for them, then you need to have a broader conversation about your relationship, your autonomy, and your sexuality.
Your sexuality is separate from your partner’s sexuality
Fun fact: Your sexuality and your partner’s sexuality are not the same. Of course, they influence and shape each other. Your sex life is the point where they intersect. But that doesn’t mean they cease to exist as separate entities. Just as you are an autonomous being and continue to have your feelings, thoughts, and emotions, your sexuality also boils up independently.
Moreover, masturbation is one of the best ways to understand yourself sexually. Without pressure or expectations, we can discover what works for us, what we like, and what doesn’t feel right for us. Whether you’re sexually inexperienced or constantly rediscovering yourself, there’s nothing better than being alone to get to know yourself and ultimately improve your sex life.
Sex toys are great for self-care
For some people myself included), sex toys are a little moment of relaxation, a cathartic cleansing of everything. For others, it’s a luxurious and elaborate experience. For some, it’s almost mindfulness. Whatever adult toys are for you, they’re wonderful and an absolute necessity. Adult toys obviously have a sensual aspect, and sometimes they feel like they’re just scratching an itch, but they’re also a necessary little space in your life and daily routine that only deals with yourself and your needs. Taking the time to address those needs can be a good reminder to listen to yourself and be kind to yourself.
I think viewing is perfectly healthy in a relationship, but some couples may want to set boundaries regarding sex toys. If the idea of your partner masturbating to images of someone else bothers you, talk about it (although I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t have the occasional fantasy/dream/sex toy session with someone other than their partner, so make sure no one is being hypocritical).
